New Year's Poem -- On Turning Two

On Turning Two (2nd anniversary of ordination January 7, 2009)

I Want
I Want NOW
I want it ALL
Right Now
I want to be wise
compassionate
confident

I want to Know
I want to know HOW
I want to know
how to do it ALL
Right Now
I want to understand
Dogen, Avatamsaka
Astasahashrika
Lankavatara
To be able to talk about it all
wise, confident

I want to do everything
Right
jisha, daimasho, doshi, ino, doan, chiden
all the ceremonies
all the positions
I want to move
with grace and assurance

I can't do it all
Right
I fail
stumble, bumble
oblivious to cues
forget this, do that wrong
Get angry at myself
frustrated at failure
Plunge into despair
I'll never get it right
I don’t deserve to live

The heat of wanting
The cold of failure
Where is the place
where there is no hot or cold?

The teachers watch
with kindness
smile at my deadly serious efforts
encourage me to get back up
and try again
Kanzeon looks through their eyes

Beware, get ready
for the tantrums
of the
Terrible Twos