money matters

It happened again. There have been times in my life when it has just clearly happened that the universe responded to my need. In this case, I made my best effort to take care of my own finances, drew money out of a retirement account in order to have what I need to do this trip to Tassajara and pay the tuition, and when I sat down at some point, I realized I had miscalculated and wasn't going to have enough.

On top of that, last week when the abbots were away on vacation, we ran out of checks. I knew we had more, but one of the abbots had them somewhere in his office, and I didn't know where. So I started writing checks out of my personal account to cover necessary Center expenses. I didn't worry about that, because I knew I would be reimbursed when they got back (which of course happened).

Out of the blue, I got some unexpected money from one friend, and then from another. And this time when I sat down and calculated, I realized I had more money than I needed.

Money is so slippery. It seems like we can calculate and record and figure and analyze and budget, and that's all fine, probably important, but there is another aspect to it that is more fluid, more difficult to pin down. A friend recently commented about trying to get "those wily duckies" in a row, and it feels like that sometimes. I go along feeling just fine, and then suddenly I start to worry that I won't have enough. And then something like this happens and suddenly I have plenty. How much of this is objectively true and how much of it is my own internal feeling about it all?

As a monk, I'm dependent on the community for my living -- well, mostly, because in fact I do have some small retirement accounts as well, and in a couple more years I'll qualify to begin receiving Social Security. But even there, one could argue that I'm dependent on the community around me. As much as we all say that we make our own living, do we really? Even as a lay person, when I was working and being paid, I found that there were aspects to it that were sometimes a little mysterious.

I find myself filled with gratitude, and keep tentatively trusting the bounty of the universe that somehow keeps taking care of me.

Nit-picking

Those of Head Start vintage (and others possibly) will remember the lovely job of picking lice nits out of children's hair. Yesterday I ended up with a similar task. It all started ...

I was going to mop the kitchen floor. But there was still food from a shopping trip the day before that hadn't been put away. So I took some downstairs to the pantry, and was reminded that there was a 50-lb bag of flour still sitting on the floor, which has bothered me since it was put there a couple of weeks ago. We do sometimes spot a mouse, and it's better to keep that stuff in the plastic tubs in the pantry. But the tubs were still too full for this bag. So I figured I could at least rearrange the pantry to make some room to put the bag up on a shelf. So I did that. At the end I moved an almost-full 50-lb bag of rice off the shelf, figuring that I could find another spot for it, as it didn't take up quite as much room as the other. I noticed that the rice bag had been opened, and the clip securing it wasn't all that secure. So I took the clip off and figured to roll up the opening tighter. But as I did so I noticed that it was invested with pantry moth larvae. Yuk! All that brown rice. This would never do.

So I took it back upstairs to the kitchen, and spent pretty much the rest of the day (with a few breaks, like lunch, but not much else), putting 1/3 cup of rice on a plate, shaking it gently to spread it out, and picking out moth larvae, putting the sorted rice into a ziplock bag to put into the freezer. It was a different way to spend a day, but oddly relaxing.

My back began to protest, and I got a chair to sit in, though I was continually getting back up and then sitting back down, etc. Got through the entire bag, though, just a bit after 5pm, after I had put on a big pot of brown rice to cook for dinner.

Interestingly enough, I got varied reactions to my task. One monk said, I can't believe you're doing that, I'd just put it all in the freezer as is. Another monk said, I can't believe you're doing that, I'd just compost it all. Gyokuko, the executive tenzo, head cook and co-abbot, said thanks for doing that. She's the one who counts. A couple of other people said the same thing.

So now we have a lot of brown rice in the freezer, where it will stay for a while. The kitchen floor never did get mopped. Maybe today? or ...tomorrow?

Accepted at Tassajara

I just got an e-mail saying I have been accepted for the Tassajara fall Practice Period. So now it's official. They will send me a more formal, official acceptance letter soon, with more information (which I hope also includes maybe some information about travel options), and a liability waiver due to winter flooding that evidently the Forest Service says is more likely there due to the recent fires in the area.

I've been planning, kind of, but with this sense of what-if-they-don't-accept-me unease. So now I can move into high gear (though not today, with the heat) in getting my packing and shopping lists, purchasing a few things, sewing a few things, cleaning out my room, etc.

It's not like everything else around here stops just because I'm preparing to go away for three months. I finally got the newsletter to the printer this afternoon (much later than I prefer to do it). I'm meeting with a guy tomorrow to show him how I put the newsletter contents on the web -- at least he's very web-savvy (probably more so than I am), so I shouldn't have to explain anything except our own particular deal. Tomorrow night is our annual outing at Oaks Park, and I always enjoy that. I went skating Monday night, and will do so again tomorrow night, so that's cool.

Last night I went to Oregon State Penitentiary where we did a memorial service for two parolees from the Buddhist group who have recently died. The one was in ill health, and he died of congestive heart failure, but in a good situation in a nice foster home, maybe a month and a half ago. The other was doing really well, though he was in a lot of physical pain, and evidently he self-medicated and accidentally overdosed. He had been coming regularly to meditation and services here, and though I didn't feel close to him, still he was in my world, and I had a relationship with him. It was a shock to everyone. That happened a week and a half ago. It felt like it would be a good thing to do a formal memorial service, so Getsushin (who is an ordained and transmitted priest, and the head of our prison programs) and I dressed up in our koromos and did a special service for the guys in the group. We picked a hot day to do that on the fourth floor with of course no air conditioning. I'm getting pretty good at sitting meditation in all sorts of conditions (and of course was also wearing my light-weight kimono underneath, for whatever help that could bring), and just sweated through it.

Saturday is an all-day retreat that I have two ceremonial roles for, but even so I'm looking forward to 8 hours of sitting meditation -- that's always rewarding. And next week I leave Wednesday for a 4-day women's retreat down at a farm west of Eugene. Ceremonial roles there, too, of course. And stuff to bring and keep track of. And after that we're into September, and really kick into high gear, with maybe just a touch of panic.

I've been aware of getting ready to put down my responsibilities around here, with mixed feelings of worry and relief, which amounts vary with the task. And I can't put them down too soon! Some things I still have to stay sharp for. It feels like a balancing act, a little like a short-timer, but don't want to slack off before it's time to. And at the same time I genuinely have more to do that's involved in getting ready to go. Kind of a conundrum.

What is ordination?

I'm 60 years old today, and that seems like the least of my concerns.

Slept poorly last night, mostly because of the heat, but I suspect my emotional state was also part of it. I sat two periods of zazen with ZCO last night in a very warm zendo, and didn't really mind the heat. I find myself more and more indifferent to conditions.

This past week I have struggled with the meaning of ordination. One thought that came up for me was "how could she throw away something so precious?" Her desire to serve the Dharma is clear, and in talking yesterday with another former monk who took off his robes a few years back, he said that at some point it became clear to him that there was no difference between ordination and lay life. I recall another former monk who said the same thing. In the past I remember asking this first monk what the difference was, and he said that a monk is about service 24/7, which is not true of a lay person. I remember thinking that was an easy answer. Now I find it incomplete.

I see more and more how little I can really articulate or explain, and sometimes it's frustrating.

I don't know that I "handled" or "understood" my emotional process this last week any better than formerly, but I think I was more aware than I have been in the past. I watched myself being upset and unable to express it, felt a few things, very faintly. When it finally came up for me yesterday and I had a small break in the action, I just went ahead and cried my eyes out, sobbed for a bit before getting back up and getting on with it. As jisha I was strong and clear and steady. Even though Gyokuko had told me that it was okay to cry during a ceremony, I found in myself a strong desire not to, especially in a ceremony where I had a role. I cried during chanting, when I had no particular duties, but not otherwise.

The ceremony, along with other signs (hair getting longer, clothing changes), have helped me to see her as a lay disciple, not a monk. She is marked, certainly, by her experience as a monk, and she may return, though I wonder about that. I don't think she shares my compulsion for this impossible, crazy, inexplicable path. I am coming around to wishing her well -- the anger is dissipating. She is living her life as best she can, as we all are.

How to affirm and uphold lay life while still maintaining a sense of this precious ordination. Valuing and honoring our lay teachers, which I do, and yet seeing something different in the ordained. It's more than serving the Dharma. I chose this path because of a need for my life to be the Dharma, to have my life be about the Dharma, to have the Dharma be the context of my life. To renounce everything else. As a monk trainee I am exploring how to do this. I don't know how to do it, but I begin to see that doing it without knowing is an important part of the training.

Got through it

We had the ceremony for monk leaving/lay disciple entering this morning. I was jisha, and had lines, actually just one repeated three times. This morning before sitting my emotions finally came up, and I had a bit of a crying jag, but got through the service okay. It was a bit hard, and still feels hard, but it's moving along, and there's good support.

This afternoon I'm supposed to be working on my seminary paper, and am basically lying on the couch with my computer trying to stay relatively cool. I have thoughts of going to the (air-conditioned) library, going out to eat at an air-conditioned restaurant nearby, where I have a gift card that I've never bothered to use -- this may be a good occasion to use it finally.

I do have plenty of mysteries to read, and no reason to go to the library to read them or get more books out, but it's a nice cool place to hang out for a while. I suppose others may have the same idea, though. And of course there's the whole question of getting there -- my thought is bicycling, which would be faster and ultimately cooler than walking, I think, but still would involve some exertion. However, I know this house will keep getting hotter (there's a window in the kitchen that we can't seem to close), and so pretty soon it may make a lot of sense just to leave for a while and come back later in the evening when (hopefully) the temperature begins to drop.

So, maybe I'll just stay here and veg out at least for a while.

Changes in the Wind (July 22)

Or the stars, or the new moon (with a spectacular solar eclipse in Asia this morning, as I understand it), or whatever. I have my application to Tassajara ready to mail, except for my teacher's letter of recommendation, which hopefully will be ready soon. We're starting to try to figure out how the Center will run in my absence, which will be no mean feat. Not that the whole Center revolves around me (well, some days it probably seems like that), but I do take care of a significant chunk of what happens around here.

This will be especially challenging since my "little sister" who was ordained last October has decided to take off her robes and pursue a relationship with a guy who is a member of the sangha. She will go back to being a lay disciple. She will stay around for a while, working some, I imagine, but it's uncertain how long and how much. This puts me back into the junior position as a monk, which is okay. I understand there's another person who may be pursuing postulancy in a while, but probably not until I get back from my stint at Tassajara. So all of that will leave our staff a bit thin.

And of course, several of you have heard, either on the Bowerkin list and/or on facebook, that I have a new granddaughter, born July 16 to my older son Nico in Corvallis. Rebecca Nicole Elizabeth Blum. It's their fourth, and the first girl. Gotta make a plan to get down there to see her (and the boys, of course, too).

I haven't been posting much, because it seems like there is always something to do, things going on, and I'm not sure what might be more significant than anything else. My prison work is continuing, and if anything increasing. It's going well, I would say. The Gay Tea group that I facilitate monthly is also going well. I've done some speaking to outside groups, and one dharma talk here on a Sunday morning. In general, I think I'm getting better at facilitating discussions, which is good, because I really enjoy it.

Personally, I keep thinking I'm doing better emotionally as I continue to work through my karma, and I guess that's true, but I have to say it's been a bit of a rough week since I heard about my "little sister." I suppose I was getting too attached and comfortable with the way things were, and it's time to shake it all up a bit. I was already dealing with anticipating the changes of going to Tassajara for 3 months, and this on top of it has given me a bit of a run for my money. I have the sense that if I had gone to Tassajara 2 years ago it would have been extremely challenging, and I may not have been able to complete the 3 months there. Now I suspect it will still be challenging, but I have less fear of completely losing it. More faith in the practice to sustain me.

In any case, it's still 2 months off before I go, and so I'm beginning to make mental lists of things to take, things to do, etc. I will have no access to Internet while I'm there, and so that's pretty significant. No cell phone coverage. I'll have to go back to writing actual letters, I think, and I can receive mail while I'm there, as far as I know. I'll let you know more when it's closer to the time. You can always find them on the web by putting sfzc.org into a search engine, and when you get to San Francisco Zen Center's home page, clicking on Tassajara. It's a pretty interesting place.

Changes in the Wind (July 22)

Or the stars, or the new moon (with a spectacular solar eclipse in Asia this morning, as I understand it), or whatever. I have my application to Tassajara ready to mail, except for my teacher's letter of recommendation, which hopefully will be ready soon. We're starting to try to figure out how the Center will run in my absence, which will be no mean feat. Not that the whole Center revolves around me (well, some days it probably seems like that), but I do take care of a significant chunk of what happens around here.
This will be especially challenging since my "little sister" who was ordained last October has decided to take off her robes and pursue a relationship with a guy who is a member of the sangha. She will go back to being a lay disciple. She will stay around for a while, working some, I imagine, but it's uncertain how long and how much. This puts me back into the junior position as a monk, which is okay. I understand there's another person who may be pursuing postulancy in a while, but probably not until I get back from my stint at Tassajara. So all of that will leave our staff a bit thin.
And of course, several of you have heard, either on the Bowerkin list and/or on facebook, that I have a new granddaughter, born July 16 to my older son Nico in Corvallis. Rebecca Nicole Elizabeth Blum. It's their fourth, and the first girl. Gotta make a plan to get down there to see her (and the boys, of course, too).
I haven't been posting much, because it seems like there is always something to do, things going on, and I'm not sure what might be more significant than anything else. My prison work is continuing, and if anything increasing. It's going well, I would say. The Gay Tea group that I facilitate monthly is also going well. I've done some speaking to outside groups, and one dharma talk here on a Sunday morning. In general, I think I'm getting better at facilitating discussions, which is good, because I really enjoy it.
Personally, I keep thinking I'm doing better emotionally as I continue to work through my karma, and I guess that's true, but I have to say it's been a bit of a rough week since I heard about my "little sister." I suppose I was getting too attached and comfortable with the way things were, and it's time to shake it all up a bit. I was already dealing with anticipating the changes of going to Tassajara for 3 months, and this on top of it has given me a bit of a run for my money. I have the sense that if I had gone to Tassajara 2 years ago it would have been extremely challenging, and I may not have been able to complete the 3 months there. Now I suspect it will still be challenging, but I have less fear of completely losing it. More faith in the practice to sustain me.
In any case, it's still 2 months off before I go, and so I'm beginning to make mental lists of things to take, things to do, etc. I will have no access to Internet while I'm there, and so that's pretty significant. No cell phone coverage. I'll have to go back to writing actual letters, I think, and I can receive mail while I'm there, as far as I know. I'll let you know more when it's closer to the time. You can always find them on the web by putting sfzc.org into a search engine, and when you get to San Francisco Zen Center's home page, clicking on Tassajara. It's a pretty interesting place.

June update

Ah, well, I'll try to do a brief update here. It's supposed to be a somewhat lighter schedule, and of course it is, but that doesn't somehow mean that things feel any slower. Maybe a little more space in our days, most evenings are free now.

Still, lots going on. Twice a month I have a week where I go to three different prison groups (Tuesday evening OSP, Friday evening Coffee Creek Medium, Monday evening Coffee Creek Minimum). Tonight is that Monday. We had a lot of meetings this week and weekend, and I end up taking notes and typing up minutes for many of them. There are some interesting things happening. In the mean time, the abbots have taken off for a well-deserved vacation, and so we will be handling things here for the next couple of weeks. Their apartment up in the attic is getting remodeled, new carpet, linoleum, and wall repairs and painting, while they are gone.

Two of the meetings yesterday had to do with planning for fall (when I'm not even going to be here, still figuring on going away to Tassajara). One is putting together a seminary class on Issues of Leadership, to include things like ethics, group dynamics and teaching. The other is to plan a kind of inservice day for Dharma School teachers. Both are new. We have several people in the sangha with masters degrees in areas related to these topics, and I think it will be fun to participate in this planning. The actual inservice should be held before I leave, and I may have some role in that.

I do have a couple of papers to write for the seminary class I took this spring. As always, I have a couple of ideas for them, but haven't yet managed to get myself to start them. Need to do this soon.

Today I'm helping put brunch together, since Gyokuko is out of town. Then I'm hoping to meet with a friend this afternoon, and as mentioned, prison tonight. Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with another friend about house-sitting while she is out of town, and after that we're back into the work week. Some of these weekends just fly by.