What is ordination?

I'm 60 years old today, and that seems like the least of my concerns.

Slept poorly last night, mostly because of the heat, but I suspect my emotional state was also part of it. I sat two periods of zazen with ZCO last night in a very warm zendo, and didn't really mind the heat. I find myself more and more indifferent to conditions.

This past week I have struggled with the meaning of ordination. One thought that came up for me was "how could she throw away something so precious?" Her desire to serve the Dharma is clear, and in talking yesterday with another former monk who took off his robes a few years back, he said that at some point it became clear to him that there was no difference between ordination and lay life. I recall another former monk who said the same thing. In the past I remember asking this first monk what the difference was, and he said that a monk is about service 24/7, which is not true of a lay person. I remember thinking that was an easy answer. Now I find it incomplete.

I see more and more how little I can really articulate or explain, and sometimes it's frustrating.

I don't know that I "handled" or "understood" my emotional process this last week any better than formerly, but I think I was more aware than I have been in the past. I watched myself being upset and unable to express it, felt a few things, very faintly. When it finally came up for me yesterday and I had a small break in the action, I just went ahead and cried my eyes out, sobbed for a bit before getting back up and getting on with it. As jisha I was strong and clear and steady. Even though Gyokuko had told me that it was okay to cry during a ceremony, I found in myself a strong desire not to, especially in a ceremony where I had a role. I cried during chanting, when I had no particular duties, but not otherwise.

The ceremony, along with other signs (hair getting longer, clothing changes), have helped me to see her as a lay disciple, not a monk. She is marked, certainly, by her experience as a monk, and she may return, though I wonder about that. I don't think she shares my compulsion for this impossible, crazy, inexplicable path. I am coming around to wishing her well -- the anger is dissipating. She is living her life as best she can, as we all are.

How to affirm and uphold lay life while still maintaining a sense of this precious ordination. Valuing and honoring our lay teachers, which I do, and yet seeing something different in the ordained. It's more than serving the Dharma. I chose this path because of a need for my life to be the Dharma, to have my life be about the Dharma, to have the Dharma be the context of my life. To renounce everything else. As a monk trainee I am exploring how to do this. I don't know how to do it, but I begin to see that doing it without knowing is an important part of the training.

Got through it

We had the ceremony for monk leaving/lay disciple entering this morning. I was jisha, and had lines, actually just one repeated three times. This morning before sitting my emotions finally came up, and I had a bit of a crying jag, but got through the service okay. It was a bit hard, and still feels hard, but it's moving along, and there's good support.

This afternoon I'm supposed to be working on my seminary paper, and am basically lying on the couch with my computer trying to stay relatively cool. I have thoughts of going to the (air-conditioned) library, going out to eat at an air-conditioned restaurant nearby, where I have a gift card that I've never bothered to use -- this may be a good occasion to use it finally.

I do have plenty of mysteries to read, and no reason to go to the library to read them or get more books out, but it's a nice cool place to hang out for a while. I suppose others may have the same idea, though. And of course there's the whole question of getting there -- my thought is bicycling, which would be faster and ultimately cooler than walking, I think, but still would involve some exertion. However, I know this house will keep getting hotter (there's a window in the kitchen that we can't seem to close), and so pretty soon it may make a lot of sense just to leave for a while and come back later in the evening when (hopefully) the temperature begins to drop.

So, maybe I'll just stay here and veg out at least for a while.

Changes in the Wind (July 22)

Or the stars, or the new moon (with a spectacular solar eclipse in Asia this morning, as I understand it), or whatever. I have my application to Tassajara ready to mail, except for my teacher's letter of recommendation, which hopefully will be ready soon. We're starting to try to figure out how the Center will run in my absence, which will be no mean feat. Not that the whole Center revolves around me (well, some days it probably seems like that), but I do take care of a significant chunk of what happens around here.

This will be especially challenging since my "little sister" who was ordained last October has decided to take off her robes and pursue a relationship with a guy who is a member of the sangha. She will go back to being a lay disciple. She will stay around for a while, working some, I imagine, but it's uncertain how long and how much. This puts me back into the junior position as a monk, which is okay. I understand there's another person who may be pursuing postulancy in a while, but probably not until I get back from my stint at Tassajara. So all of that will leave our staff a bit thin.

And of course, several of you have heard, either on the Bowerkin list and/or on facebook, that I have a new granddaughter, born July 16 to my older son Nico in Corvallis. Rebecca Nicole Elizabeth Blum. It's their fourth, and the first girl. Gotta make a plan to get down there to see her (and the boys, of course, too).

I haven't been posting much, because it seems like there is always something to do, things going on, and I'm not sure what might be more significant than anything else. My prison work is continuing, and if anything increasing. It's going well, I would say. The Gay Tea group that I facilitate monthly is also going well. I've done some speaking to outside groups, and one dharma talk here on a Sunday morning. In general, I think I'm getting better at facilitating discussions, which is good, because I really enjoy it.

Personally, I keep thinking I'm doing better emotionally as I continue to work through my karma, and I guess that's true, but I have to say it's been a bit of a rough week since I heard about my "little sister." I suppose I was getting too attached and comfortable with the way things were, and it's time to shake it all up a bit. I was already dealing with anticipating the changes of going to Tassajara for 3 months, and this on top of it has given me a bit of a run for my money. I have the sense that if I had gone to Tassajara 2 years ago it would have been extremely challenging, and I may not have been able to complete the 3 months there. Now I suspect it will still be challenging, but I have less fear of completely losing it. More faith in the practice to sustain me.

In any case, it's still 2 months off before I go, and so I'm beginning to make mental lists of things to take, things to do, etc. I will have no access to Internet while I'm there, and so that's pretty significant. No cell phone coverage. I'll have to go back to writing actual letters, I think, and I can receive mail while I'm there, as far as I know. I'll let you know more when it's closer to the time. You can always find them on the web by putting sfzc.org into a search engine, and when you get to San Francisco Zen Center's home page, clicking on Tassajara. It's a pretty interesting place.

Changes in the Wind (July 22)

Or the stars, or the new moon (with a spectacular solar eclipse in Asia this morning, as I understand it), or whatever. I have my application to Tassajara ready to mail, except for my teacher's letter of recommendation, which hopefully will be ready soon. We're starting to try to figure out how the Center will run in my absence, which will be no mean feat. Not that the whole Center revolves around me (well, some days it probably seems like that), but I do take care of a significant chunk of what happens around here.
This will be especially challenging since my "little sister" who was ordained last October has decided to take off her robes and pursue a relationship with a guy who is a member of the sangha. She will go back to being a lay disciple. She will stay around for a while, working some, I imagine, but it's uncertain how long and how much. This puts me back into the junior position as a monk, which is okay. I understand there's another person who may be pursuing postulancy in a while, but probably not until I get back from my stint at Tassajara. So all of that will leave our staff a bit thin.
And of course, several of you have heard, either on the Bowerkin list and/or on facebook, that I have a new granddaughter, born July 16 to my older son Nico in Corvallis. Rebecca Nicole Elizabeth Blum. It's their fourth, and the first girl. Gotta make a plan to get down there to see her (and the boys, of course, too).
I haven't been posting much, because it seems like there is always something to do, things going on, and I'm not sure what might be more significant than anything else. My prison work is continuing, and if anything increasing. It's going well, I would say. The Gay Tea group that I facilitate monthly is also going well. I've done some speaking to outside groups, and one dharma talk here on a Sunday morning. In general, I think I'm getting better at facilitating discussions, which is good, because I really enjoy it.
Personally, I keep thinking I'm doing better emotionally as I continue to work through my karma, and I guess that's true, but I have to say it's been a bit of a rough week since I heard about my "little sister." I suppose I was getting too attached and comfortable with the way things were, and it's time to shake it all up a bit. I was already dealing with anticipating the changes of going to Tassajara for 3 months, and this on top of it has given me a bit of a run for my money. I have the sense that if I had gone to Tassajara 2 years ago it would have been extremely challenging, and I may not have been able to complete the 3 months there. Now I suspect it will still be challenging, but I have less fear of completely losing it. More faith in the practice to sustain me.
In any case, it's still 2 months off before I go, and so I'm beginning to make mental lists of things to take, things to do, etc. I will have no access to Internet while I'm there, and so that's pretty significant. No cell phone coverage. I'll have to go back to writing actual letters, I think, and I can receive mail while I'm there, as far as I know. I'll let you know more when it's closer to the time. You can always find them on the web by putting sfzc.org into a search engine, and when you get to San Francisco Zen Center's home page, clicking on Tassajara. It's a pretty interesting place.