Dream 12/24/06
I had a dream last night that two teachers (not sure which ones, but clearly teachers, priests) were in a bathroom, and so was I, allowed to assist. We were cleaning the toilet. When I woke up, I realized that's exactly what's happening, we're working to clean the toilet. Some of it is my own karma that needs to be cleaned up over and over again. And that's the work, just to clean and clean again, with all attention and a whole heart. Keep cleaning the kitchen, keep cleaning the bathrooms, keep sweeping the walkways, keep sitting and letting go of old habit patterns.
I found myself remembering my bowing practice of the night before, when I put on all my robes except the kesa, and did some bowing and some sitting, just to get used to the robes a little bit. I found myself this morning suddenly feeling like I am becoming a priest, that the robes somehow -- I can't explain it really, because it isn't quite that the robes make me a priest, but that they lead me into taking that role and I just go through it. Joan Halifax one time talked about the robes sitting, and eventually just sitting is sitting. And Chozen last year in response to a Shosan question about whether the robes were a strategy she had adopted to do her work in the world, said it wasn't quite like that, that maybe she was a strategy that the robes had adopted to do this work. I get that, somehow. There's a feeling that I am joining in to a particular company that is doing particular work, and the work somehow makes sense to me. And the robes make it real in some odd way that I can't really explain.
As I end my postulancy, I am more convinced than ever that this is my path, that I am in exactly the right place, that somehow this work is the work I took birth to do. At times it's difficult, but somehow when you are doing what you are meant to do it all works and doesn't seem too hard -- ultimately it energizes me rather than making me tired.
I found myself remembering my bowing practice of the night before, when I put on all my robes except the kesa, and did some bowing and some sitting, just to get used to the robes a little bit. I found myself this morning suddenly feeling like I am becoming a priest, that the robes somehow -- I can't explain it really, because it isn't quite that the robes make me a priest, but that they lead me into taking that role and I just go through it. Joan Halifax one time talked about the robes sitting, and eventually just sitting is sitting. And Chozen last year in response to a Shosan question about whether the robes were a strategy she had adopted to do her work in the world, said it wasn't quite like that, that maybe she was a strategy that the robes had adopted to do this work. I get that, somehow. There's a feeling that I am joining in to a particular company that is doing particular work, and the work somehow makes sense to me. And the robes make it real in some odd way that I can't really explain.
As I end my postulancy, I am more convinced than ever that this is my path, that I am in exactly the right place, that somehow this work is the work I took birth to do. At times it's difficult, but somehow when you are doing what you are meant to do it all works and doesn't seem too hard -- ultimately it energizes me rather than making me tired.
posted by Genko at 9:47 AM
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